Running errands ....

Today is one of my days off from work this week, so I took the opportunity to get some things done this morning. First stop was the Post Office, for the always enchanting experience of having new passport photos taken. Armed with a hairbrush and mirror, I was able to make my hair look halfway presentable (all the more important as I'd just walked there in the wind and rain!) and I eventually came out with these. Excuse the poor quality, I just took a pic with my phone to show you. I don't look *quite* so much like a serial killer in these as the ones I had done in Brighton a few weeks ago, but I'm not happy with the fact that to make my eyes "clearly visible" I had to brush my fringe to the side, or the fact that you're not allowed to smile at all. I also now have to look at the spot by my mouth for the next ten years! And as for the cost of renewing my passport - £66!!! Ouch ... At least as I've already got one, I don't have to have a 30 minute interview before I can be approved for a passport, like new applicants do.

I picked up a new prescription from the doctor's surgery, then went to Boots to collect the blood glucose strips they didn't have last week, before moving on to Stead & Simpson, to see if they had any decent handbags. The lining in mine has ripped, and the corners are worn, so I need a new one, and although they have a couple I like, there wasn't anything that really took my fancy. I'm not a huge bag fan, though when I can afford it, there are a few Kiplings styles that I like, so I may buy one of those.

Mum and I then went to Tesco, where I spent £56 on healthy foods, ready to restart my low carb diet on Thursday. I did buy a Creme Egg, knowing that it'll be the only one I have this year! Managed to resist the tempations of the ice cream section, even though they do my favourit Cherry Garcia variety.

I took a few pis of my new hair colour in the bathroom last night. You'll need to excuse the quality of these as well, but they're taken with my phone again. I really like the colour now, even if people are telling me it's black! It bloody isn't .... very dark brown, yes, but *not* black!

Another day ...

... another £100 paid towards my trip to New York. Next month we'll have had bonus, and I'll have paid off the whole trip, and converted at least £500 into dollars towards spending money. That feels pretty great!

I booked tickets for Meat Loaf at Wembley Arena on Friday May 25th last night. I'm so excited, as when that day rolls around I will be able to say I've seen my top three *all time* favourite music artists live, within a year ... ! I'm so lucky ... Bon Jovi, Bryan Adams, and Meat Loaf, all on home soil too .... wow!

I coloured my hair again just now. It's been pretty bright red all summer, but I'd let it fade over the past few months. I decided to go back to my natural colour, and get rid of the two tone hair for a few months, but I misjudged the colour slightly! I don't dislike it, but it turns out my hair is several shades lighter that "Bittersweet Chocolate"! I've gone from this shade of red to this shade of brown, quite a change!



It's raining heavily now, and we've just had some thunder, so I'm going to get a late supper, and take myself off to bed. I'm working in less than 9 hours anyway, so I'd better prepare for the "have you gone goth?" comments I'm bound to get!

ABC ...

This week is when we're supposed to find out the results of our pay review at work, and get our pay grade from our section manager. We had a new one start last week, who doesn't know us yet, so our old manager did the pay reviews, and yesterday I was at lunch with Sharon and Carol, and we were joking around about the pay grades. We decided we should create our own pay scale, to include the following grades.

A for Average
B for Bog-standard
C for Can't be arsed

and F for F***ing awful. LOL

Silly humour, but it made us all laugh ... and with the way morale and staffing levels are at the moment, it probably won't be too far from the truth!

18/21 - that's a good score, right?

except when it's a list of symptoms of depression. I don't know if I do have depression or not, as opposed to just feeling down, like I do at times, but something's definitely different this time. I should probably go to the GP, but I really can't be bothered. Maybe I'll mention it at my diabetic review if I still feel as bad in a few weeks. How much can you rely on online sites anyway?

For anyone who wants to know, it was the list f symptoms from the BBC Health site on depression, here and the actual list of symptoms are :-

What are the symptoms?

As with many mental health problems, there are a number of symptoms of depression and it's very rare for all of them to occur in one person. They include feeling generally miserable, as well as:

• Variation of mood during the day. It's often worse in the morning, improving as the day goes on - but the pattern can be the other way around.
• Disturbed sleep, usually waking early and being unable to get back to sleep
• A general slowing down of thought, speech and movement
• Feelings of anxiety
• Tearfulness for no reason
• Short temper
• Lack of energy and constant exhaustion
• Inability to enjoy things
• Lack of concentration
• Difficulty making decisions
• Feeling that you're forgetful
• Negative thoughts about the future
• Feelings of guilt
• Loss of identity
• Blaming self and low self-esteem
• Feelings of hopelessness and despair
• Unrealistic sense of failure
• Loneliness, even when around others
• Becoming preoccupied with illness
• Loss of appetite and resulting loss of weight
• Reduced desire for sex

The ones I have are in red, the ones I don't in grey. Opinions, anyone?

The more things change ...

... the more they stay the same.

I found an old blog entry I wrote a couple of years ago, and never posted. It still perfectly fits the way I feel, so I've decided to post it.

---

What do you do when something doesn't fit? If it's an item of clothing, the answer is sometimes easy - as simple as moving a button on a waistband, letting a seam out, or taking it in. When it's the new chest of drawers that won't quite slide into that gap after all, you move the rest of the furniture around to accomodate it. Problem solved!

But what do you do when the thing that doesn't fit is yourself? When you have friends you would love to spend more time with, but you just don't enjoy the same things as they do? Or when there are things that you have always wanted to do, but you're so scared to do anything alone that you would rather miss out on doing them? How about when you work at a job you hate, for a fairly low wage, with no hope of promotion, because you chose to turn down the training programme you were offered, rather than have to prove yourself to your managers, even though you know as well as they do that you could have easily passed the programme, with a bit of determination?

I don't fit in. I'm not outgoing, and confident, like some of my friends, or witty and sarcastic like others. I'm not pretty, slim, or fashionable, like the other 20-something girls I know. I don't drive, having never had the courage to learn. I'm single, and always have been, so I don't get to join in the relationship discussions. People don't quite know what to make of me, so they usually give up and leave me alone, which I used to think suited me just fine. Now I'm not so sure.

If I sound bitter and lonely, it's because I am. It's a Sunday night, and as usual, I'm sitting at the computer, wondering what my friends are doing. Whether T is having a good 21st birthday weekend, with her partner and 6 month old son, or whether M is settling into a quiet evening at home, with her month old baby, who, despite my assertions that I don't want, or even like, children, is so absolutely perfect that I cried after I saw and held her at a week old. I wonder whether the rest of my friends are still at the pub, just relaxing and enjoying a night out together. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I feel comfortable enough to go out with them, and not question whether people are staring at us, wondering what normal people like them are doing spending time with someone like me.

Mostly though, I just wonder if there will ever be a time when I'm strong enough to dare to be me. To wear the clothes I like, rather than my usual 'uniform' of leggings and shapeless jumpers. To have my nose pierced, and wear the Goth type jewellery I love so much, or to colour my hair the jet black, or brilliant copper that I have always wanted. To state my opinions on controversial subjects without worrying what the people I'm talking to will think of me afterwards, or to wear the slogan T-shirts that I stay away from now in case I offend anyone. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough in my own skin not to flinch when anyone touches me, be they friends or family. I wonder if I'll even let myself trust someone enough to have another relationship ...

... one day, maybe I'll fit.

An evening out ...

Yesterday I went to see Shayne Ward at Wembley Arena, with a friend from work, and her sister in law. Carol finished work at 4pm, I finished at 4:30pm, ran upstairs to change, back down to meet Carol and Nessa, and round to the station to park and catch the train. We got the 4:51 train to Victoria, then had to get the Tube to Wembley Park, via Green Park. This was a learning experience for me, as I'm going back to Wembley in May with two friends, to see Bryan Adams, and hadn't been before, but I now know which trains to get and where I'm going! (Hence I can look organised and experienced in a couple of months time - hee hee!)

As we approached Wembley Park station, I could see the huge arch of the new Wembley Stadium, so when we got off the train and out of the station, we all stopped to take pics of the stadium and the exterior of Wembley Arena too. It's pretty cool, with illuminated fountains set to music, and lots of various types of lighting effects. I was impressed, but I'm easily pleased :)

We made our way into the arena, through bag search (had a hairy moment when the guy did a double take at my bag - think the size of my camera made him think it was a professional type one, when it's just a bulky SLR *style* camera) and along the corridor to block N12, where we showed our tickets again and were shown to our seats. Uh-oh ... we were on the side seats, so had to look to the right to see the stage, and on our right were a young mum with two pre-teen daughters, all armed with banners. Not good.

Carol and I left to get programmes and use the loos, then went back to our seats, and sat through the support acts. There were three - Cushh, a boy/girl two piece act, who only did two songs, and that was two too many, then Dycce, a 6 or 7 piece boyband, who were OK but not my styl, and lastly, Roxanne, who was supporting Westlife when we saw them last year. She's a great singer, but after two support acts already, all we wanted was to see the main attraction!

Eventually Shayne came on stage at 9pm. I'd always liked his music, it's very much my style, and he's nt bad to look at either, but last night I was simply stunned by the talent the boy has! For someone who has only been famous for 18 months or so, less, I think, he certainly knows how to work the crowd, and stopped singing no less than three times to thank the crowd for putting him where he is now, and to say how much he loves and appreciates his fans. I seem to say that about all the bands or artists I see, but it's true - I must be drawn to people who retain a genuine appreciation for their fans!

Shayne sang a great mix of his own songs, and some covers, all of which were well picked, though I don't actually think there's a song he couldn't do justice to. While I can't *sing* myself, I am blessed with a good ear for music, and he was flawless on every single note last night, which meant that songs such as Luther Vandross's "Never Too Much", George Michael's "Fast Love", The Darkness's "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" and Prince's "Kiss", "1999" and a *stunning* version of "Purple Rain" were not only sung well, but in my opinion, *as* well as the original singers did them.

Shayne ended with "No Promises", "That's My Goal" and "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", which is the one song by him that has always sent chills down my spine, and did so even more live. All in all, it was only an hour and 20 minutes long, but the concert was well worth travelling to see, and I'm not ashamed to say that where I would have said I liked Shayne before yesterday, I would definitely class myself as a fan now.

I definitely could have done without the banners from the people in the seats beside me being waved around so much though, as I couldn't see much a lot of the time, and managed to get hardly any decent pics or video clips. I'm pretty confident that Shayne will be around for a good long while though, and look forward to his fans growing up over the next few years, so there may be fewer of the 12 years olds with pink fluffy flashing ears, banners and whistles at future concerts!

Some pics ...

Modern Life

I'm not sure what the point of this whole post is really, except that either me, or almost every other person I know, is very strange, and I'm not sure which of us it is!

It seems that we're increasingly reliant on gadgets, electronics, and labour saving devices to make life easier, so much so that I feel like a freak sometimes. While I love my laptop, my iPod, and my digital camera, is it *so* odd that I don't watch TV from one month to another, or that my TV hasn't even been turned *on* since a few days before Christmas? Or, come to think of it, that we didn't *have* a TV until I was 8?

And why do people feel sorry for me when they discover we don't have a dishwasher, washing machine, or tumble drier? I never know whether to feel offended or not, as half the time they seem to think that without those appliances, I can't possible be wearing clean clothes, or eating off of clean plates! I've actually been asked "how do you do your washing then?" by someone who genuinely didn't *know* that you can do it by hand! That's appalling to me - how can anyone really be so reliant on machines?!

I often think it would be *more* trouble having such things - it takes no time at all to wash a sinkful of dishes, or a few days worth of clothes, and it's so easy to hang washing on the line outside, or over the radiators when the heating is on. Not to mention the unbelievable cost of dishwasher tablets, rinse aid, and cleaner, and automatic washing powder/liquid/tablets, and fabric conditioner, as well as the increased amount of electricity used!

Just for the record, I'm 31, and haven't ever had a washing machine or dryer, or a dishwasher. I also have baths, as we don't have a shower, have never learned to drive, and really don't see a reason to in the future, and I can assure you I'm *really* not deprived of anything at all by not having a kitchen full of machines. I'll take the extra space, lower bills, and *less* hassle, anytime!

Death of a laptop ....

I think my laptop is dying. Or at least, the screen is. For a while now, the screen will go black or not display anything, and i have to fiddle with the angle of the screen for several minutes to get the display to show. Now in the past week or so, the screen has started freezing for 15 seconds or so, and 'hissing' every few minutes as well. Apparently this is a fairly common problem with laptops, and if I think about it, my first laptop died of a broken screen too. This one is (of course!) six weeks out of warranty, so I'm hoping it will last until I get my annual bonus at the end of March, and can either afford to get it fixed, or replace it. At the moment it's an annoying problem, but the computer is still pretty much OK, and nothing too problematic to work with. Fingers crossed that it doesn't get any worse!

I had a day off today, and decided to make Rosti-topped Chicken Pie. It was lovely, and there's enough left for tomorrow's dinner too. :-) I don't cook much anymore, so it was a nice change to have a proper cooked meal for once! Not very low-carb, but I'm poor this month, so am using up what I have!

I had a letter from my GP this morning, with the date for my next annual diabetic review - 27th March. I have to have the battery of blood tests the week before, so how can I reduce my levels, especially blood sugar, by then? Looks like more lectures are in order .... *sigh*