So, um .... yeah.

I have no idea what to title this post, other than that it needs to be something that will accurately convey that I'm crazy. Nuts. I've got a screw loose, lost the plot, my marbles ... am a sandwich short of a picnic, and all the other expressions you can think of. I hear you ask why I think I'm crazy ... consider this.

I can't being this weight any longer, so I'm thinking about being bulimic again to help me lose it.

See? I *told* you I was crazy - now do you agree? I'm actually contemplating *deliberately* going back fifteen years to a time when I would binge then make myself sick, in the hopes of losing weight. I never ever lost a *single* pound in the two years I was bulimic, so why the *hell* would it work now, when the diabetes and PCOS have screwed up my metabolism even *more* than it was back then??

Truth be told I know I won't do it, but the very fact that I'm back in a place where I'm even considering it scares the crap out of me. As does the fact that I actually weigh about 2st less than my highest weight, and less than I have since I reached adulthood, yet I feel worse about it that I have for years.

I try and pretend that I'm OK with what I weigh, and how I look, but I'm not, at all. I hate it. I hate that it takes every drop of energy I have just to work a normal eight hour shift, or go shopping for a few hours. I hate that I literally have to *beg* people not to take photos of me because I hate the way my face seems to expand and grow even more chins than I actually have in real life, in a picture. I hate that I can't walk into any High Street shop and find something that fits. I hate that I'm almost back to the point where I feel ashamed to be seen out with my friends, because they're almost all skinny. I hate that I have older brothers who i've never met, and the main reason I haven't tried to trace them is because I don't want to see their faces when they find they have a *fat* sister. More than anything I hate the fact that I *know* what I need to do to help myself become healthier, but don't have enough strength or willpower or motivation to do a damn thing about it.