Lost My Way

I never imagined my life would be like this. Despite being the fat kid with glasses from a one-parent home, and bullied mercilessly through school for it, I always managed to stay optimistic that one day ... *one day* ... I would have a good job, a nice home ... nothing special, just 'nice', you know? I never expected to lose six stone, grow four inches, and win the Lottery, but I thought that maybe with a bit of time, things would be good.

Somehow, I went to college, only to be asked to leave after the first year. I'm still in the same crappy shop assistant job I started at 16 - oh, the role is slightly different, but to all intents and purposes it's the same. I still live at home, have no savings, a mountain of debt with nothing to show for it, and no qualifications apart from a handful of poor grade GCSEs, because I never did the coursework element of my exams, so even getting almost 100% on the exam part couldn't raise my grades to the straight A's that I'd been forecast for.

I still don't really know what I want to do with my life. I dream of being a photographer, but in my heart I know I don't have the willpower of motivation to work hard enough and get my name out there.

I've lost touch with most of the few people I could actually call friends, and though I know that time changes people, and friendships, I'm sad that I don't have contact details for at least three of them. I have friends now - some in real life, some who I only know from online, and while I love spending time with them, and am lucky to have them, sometimes I feel like a total outsider, and even more isolated than I did during the time a few years ago when I had no friends whatsoever. Sometimes I doubt myself so much more than I ever used to, and feel completely out of my depth so often.

I'm not sure what the point of this whole sorry post is, or even if there was a point to begin with. I wonder sometmes if there's a point to anything at all.